What should I be looking for? Part 4

Welcome to part 4 of the "What should I be looking for?" series. This week it’s all about emotion regulation.

Quick reminders (if you’ve been here before, feel free to skip ahead!): This series is all about noticing behaviors and adjusting based on what we see. We are not diagnosing anyone. If a parent shares a formal diagnosis, great. You’ve got a head start on what that athlete might need, but you still have to do the observing, because if you’ve met one neurodivergent person, you’ve met one neurodivergent person. Your ability to stay curious, make adjustments, and notice patterns comes straight out of your ability to challenge your own assumptions. So if you haven’t read the post on challenging your assumptions as a coach, or worked through the reflection guide, start here BEFORE anything else.

Emotion regulation is “how we respond to ourselves, what we say and do to ourselves when we are feeling distressed or dysregulated.”¹ It relies on three skills: naming what you're feeling (and noticing the physical signals that come with it), expressing it in a way that supports you and the people around you, and having coping strategies you can access in the moment.

Regulating your emotions does not mean always feeling calm or never being distressed or dysregulated. Instead, it’s about noticing what’s going on and responding accordingly.

In my experience, we are constantly regulating our emotions. It happens all day, from spilling water while you pour your tea to a boss giving you hard feedback you weren’t ready for.

Emotion regulation affects every aspect of a team and is present in every practice and game.

Disclaimer: When an athlete is really struggling, professional intervention may be needed. Some situations are beyond coaches' training.

This post is about the moments where you can address and teach these skills.

As I think about athletes on teams I’ve coached, the line that keeps coming up for me again and again is from Dr. Becky (author of the NYT bestseller Good Inside):

"Kids are born with the ability to feel every emotion, but none of the skills to manage them."²

This quote is a fantastic reminder for me and helps me get out of judgment mode and into curiosity and teaching mode.

Because the reality is, when I was growing up, I can still hear my coaches saying: "Shake it off." "Take a deep breath." “Take a second and get yourself together.”

Looking back, what I find missing is the how. In those moments when I was dysregulated and I couldn’t figure out how to “get over it”, I turned on myself… “What’s wrong with you?” and/or “Why can’t you just get over it?”

Had I had the information and tools below, I would have been much better equipped to handle tough situations.

What emotion dysregulation actually looks like at practice

We don’t just end up in “dysregulation town.” There’s a path that gets us there, signs we’re heading down frustration lane, anger street, or overwhelmed alley. As coaches, it’s important to start to recognize those signs early, hopefully before a big blow-up.

We can see signs of dysregulation in a few places.

• The body: Does their body language look different than when they seem to be relaxed and in flow? Have you noticed a change?
  • Potential signs include: shoulders up around the ears, jaw clenched, hands in fists, hands over ears, ball slammed down after a miss, hood pulled over the eyes, arms crossed high on the chest.
• Movement: Similar to body language, but more active. Does it look different than when they seem to be relaxed and in flow?
  • Potential signs include: walking away from a huddle. Shaking their head back and forth for what seems like no reason. Pacing the sideline. Freezing mid-drill. Sitting on the floor with knees pulled in and rocking back and forth.
• Voice/communication: How is their tone? How are they communicating to you and their teammates? Is it different than when they seem to be relaxed and in flow? (Remember, tone on its own may not tell you anything, but a tone that is different from their usual tells you something has changed).
  • Potential signs include: the athlete who's usually chatty going silent. The "I can't, I can't, I can't" spiral. Sudden loudness that doesn't match the situation. A one-word "fine" that seems dismissive.
• Recovery time: How is their recovery time? Does it seem like it’s taking them longer than usual to refocus?

The most important takeaway from this section is to observe your athletes and notice when they’re behaving outside their norm.

When it happens too fast

I coached an athlete who would commit extremely hard fouls whenever she was frustrated. You could see the tension building for a few possessions, and you could tell there was going to be some sort of outburst.

Her team was up 3 in a championship game. She had two turnovers in a row, then fouled a girl so hard she got a technical foul. Six points swung in about 30 seconds, right before halftime. She was in foul trouble, so she sat most of the third quarter, and her team couldn't recover.

With this athlete, the coach would typically catch these moments before they escalated, but it happened so fast she wasn’t able to take her out of the game.

Had I known then what I know now, when she was younger, I would’ve pushed harder for a reset system, something where she could get her energy out in a productive way, instead of an outburst on the court.

When I was coaching her, I remember not being able to reach this athlete. From my perspective, she wasn’t very receptive to change, and she didn’t see a problem with her outbursts or the connection between regulating her emotions and her ability to be effective on the court.

Because of the judgments I was making about her, I stopped trying to reach her. Looking back, I don't know if there's anything I could've done, but trying would've been better than writing her off.

Not every athlete will be ready for these conversations. But it never hurts to introduce the ideas and give them tools to understand themselves. The hope is that they'll be able to access the information when they’re ready.

How this can be different for neurodivergent athletes

Neurodivergent athletes often experience emotions more intensely than their neurotypical peers. It’s not better or worse; it may just present itself differently, and the distress may come from a place you may not have considered.

Last post addressed sensory processing. For an athlete who is sensitive to loud gyms, whistles, or fluorescent lights, their system may be working overtime just to function in the environment.

Their battery drains much faster than other athletes in the gym. So when something happens and they have a big reaction, you may find yourself labeling them as “dramatic” because you didn’t recognize how hard their system was already working.

Some neurodivergent individuals experience alexithymia, which means difficulty recognizing and naming their own and other people’s emotions. This athlete definitely feels emotions very strongly, but can’t quite name them or point to where they feel them in their body. Not being able to name what’s going on can increase distress.¹

Also, if you remember from the sensory processing post, we talked about interoception (your awareness of your internal states). A neurodivergent individual may have a hard time reading internal cues and noticing early signs of distress, which can make it seem like emotions come out of nowhere.

There are also inherent brain differences. Studies in ADHD individuals have shown differences in the areas of the brain that impact executive functioning.¹

Masking can also drain a neurodivergent athlete's battery. Masking is the process by which a neurodivergent individual suppresses their natural behaviors in order to fit neurotypical social expectations. This could include suppressing stimming behaviors (rocking, flapping, etc.).³

Supporting the internal system

What does emotional dysregulation feel like to you? We have all felt out of control at one point or another. As a coach, I’ve felt the urge to kick a chair or slam down my notebook. Keep that in mind as you’re working with your athletes.

Here are a few suggestions for supporting your athlete’s internal system.

1. Encourage healthy overall habits. Talk about the benefits of eating whole foods, sleeping, and exercise (which they are most likely doing with you!).
2. Recognize and name every small regulation win. If the athlete takes a deep breath instead of slamming the ball, that's the moment to celebrate them. "That was a hard miss, and you reset yourself. That's what tough looks like." Then, maybe after practice, ask them what helped them in that moment. Over time, they learn what might be supportive in tough moments.
3. Ask them what helps. Not in the middle of a meltdown. Later, in the car or bus or at the end of practice: "When you're really frustrated during a game, what actually helps you refocus? What makes it worse?" You're helping them do reflection they might not yet be developmentally ready to do on their own, and you're building a vocabulary you can both use in the moment. If they're having a hard time expressing what helps, you can offer them a suggestion to experiment with.
4. Get to know your system. Get curious about yourself and what tends to regulate or dysregulate you. Understanding your own process can give you more space, internally, to support your athletes.
5. Encourage them to self-reflect. You can also support this below as you create the external systems. Their ability to self-reflect is directly related to their age. They may need more prompting to start to understand their system. I’d first point them toward what feelings arise in different moments. Noticing is the first step in emotion regulation.

Creating the external system

This is creating the optimal environment to support your athletes. Of course there will still be outbursts. The goal isn’t to have no more outbursts, but to put a system in place to support those moments.

1. Shared vocabulary. Create a simple system your athletes can understand. As an Occupational Therapist, it would be negligent of me not to mention the Zones of Regulation. The Zones of Regulation is a research-based framework that builds emotional regulation and behavior skills. To implement their system, you must complete their training.⁴ You don’t have to use their system, but it’s a great example of how shared language can support your athletes. Feel free to create your own language or system. The key is to identify what’s going on and have a system to cue the athlete to use a coping skill to get them into the optimal state for performance.
   1. In the Zones of Regulation, they use 4 colors (blue = low energy, green = calm and ready, yellow = frustrated or anxious, red = overwhelmed).⁴ Once you identify a zone, you can help your athletes figure out what they need to move between zones. Going from red to yellow or yellow to green. In practice, this sounds like, "What zone are you in right now?" “What do you need to get to yellow or green?”
2. Normalize a predictable reset. Create a system that works for your practices. Maybe that’s a rule where anyone can call a 60-second timeout when they’re feeling overwhelmed. They can get water, go to the bathroom, take a deep breath, or do whatever they need to get regulated again, then jump back in.
   1. Sometimes, when athletes know they can take space when they need it, it takes some of the pressure off and helps them stay more engaged in the moment.
   2. If you notice an athlete taking more space than usual, that could be a sign that something else is going on.
   3. Now, there’s a difference between dysregulation and being uncomfortable. An athlete very well might be taking space because they don’t yet have the resilience needed to work through the discomfort. If you think this is the case, observe, stay curious, and meet this athlete where they are.
3. A pre-agreed signal. For athletes who struggle to express what’s going on verbally, agree on a hand signal at the start of the season. For example, a tap on the wrist could mean "I need a minute."
4. Provide a self-reflection notebook. Encourage your athletes to journal after practice. All they need is 5 minutes. As for journaling topics, this practice can go in many directions, but the main skill is self-reflection. For emotion regulation, a feelings wheel can be an extremely useful tool. A few prompts to start:
   1. “Think of a moment in practice where you were frustrated or upset. What happened on the court or field? What did it feel like in your body? What thoughts came up? What did you do to refocus?”
   2. “What does your body feel like when you’re in the zone/in flow?”
   3. “What does your body feel like when you’re dysregulated/angry/upset/sad/happy/anxious?”
   4. “How do you behave differently when you’re feeling angry/upset/sad/happy/anxious?”
   5. “Do your thoughts change when you feel angry/upset/sad/happy/anxious?”
   6. “Do you notice any body changes when you feel angry/upset/sad/happy/anxious?”
   7. “Think about the last time you had a strong emotional response. What happened right before? Where did you feel it in your body? How quickly did it escalate? How long did it take to come back down? What helped you get back to baseline?”³

Each of these adjustments makes the whole team better at emotion regulation, not just neurodivergent athletes.

Actions to be aware of

Sometimes coaches, with good intentions, can hinder an athlete’s ability to regulate their emotions by doing one of the following:

• Asking "what's wrong with you" (or any version of it) in front of the team.
  • Not only does this single out an athlete, but it also takes away your curiosity about what could be causing their overwhelm.
• Demanding eye contact during a hard moment. The “look at me when I’m talking to you.”
  • For many athletes (neurodivergent especially), eye contact under stress adds regulation load rather than easing it.
• Trying to get your point across when the athlete isn’t ready to hear it.
  • We have all been there; we know exactly the “right” thing to say, yet the athlete is not in any place to take in what you’re saying. Their system isn’t ready for feedback. Be patient.

The one question coaches always ask me

How do I coach an athlete through a dysregulated moment without stopping practice for everyone else?

Any system you put in place will take time and effort up front. But it doesn’t take as much time as you may think. Plus, the time you spend creating these systems saves you so much time on the back end and will make your team more efficient.

If I could only implement one thing to support emotion regulation on a team, it would be creating a shared language we can use in the moment.

A close second would be providing journals and encouraging self-reflection with prompts. The prompts mentioned above can be great starting points.

The key is meeting your athletes where they are. You may be the first person to ever ask an athlete what anger, frustration, or happiness feels like to them. And if they can’t vocalize or recognize those feelings, that’s okay. They may need a little more prompting or the support of a feelings wheel.

The reality is, outbursts will still happen. It’s okay if something falls through the cracks. The important point is that once an outburst happens, you have the plan and awareness to react accordingly.

Reflection questions for you

Take 15-20 minutes to reflect on the following:

• What behaviors or patterns do you notice in your athletes or other coaches that make you feel dysregulated? What emotions pop up?
• When you’re feeling dysregulated, what helps you regulate your emotions?
• Which of your athletes takes the longest to recover from a mistake? What does that recovery look like right now?
• Have you noticed a pattern in which athletes ask to sit out, or which ones you find yourself sending to the water fountain "for a minute"?
• Is there an athlete you’ve labeled as “soft” or “dramatic” that you can get curious about? What would you do differently if their behavior was a result of being dysregulated?

Download the PDF below to track your reflections.

Next post in the series: motor planning and coordination.

If you found this helpful, forward it to a coach who could use it. If you want to work on this stuff with me directly, have any questions, or just want to share your thoughts, feel free to reach out: www.elsebethbirman.com/contact.

Resources:

1. Breese, Lauren. "Emotional Regulation: Why It's Harder for Neurodivergent People and What You Can Do About It." The Neurodiversity Practice, theneurodiversitypractice.com/blog/emotional-regulation.¹
2. Kennedy, Becky. "Emotional Regulation in Children." Good Inside, goodinside.com/blog/emotional-regulation-in-children.²
3. "Emotional Dysregulation." Weirdly Successful, weirdlysuccessful.org/emotional-dysregulation.³
4. Kuypers, Leah. The Zones of Regulation. zonesofregulation.com.⁴